What on earth would make this woman think that the men of their dreams were two doors down? There would be nothing gained from sitting with women complaining about men—better to just go and talk to some.
Women aren’t the only ones making rash judgments, of course.
If you only talk to people who, on first glance, you’re sure you’d want to marry, you won’t be talking to too many people. If you go in with your dukes up, suspicious that every man (or woman) there is out to deceive, hurt, or outright reject you, it sends a message—and clear instructions on how to treat you. What if you assumed there was a lot about these guys you could love if you had a chance, that they have complex stories and big dreams, just like you? An average or even good-looking guy can get ugly fast if he acts like an ass, but another guy can become more attractive if he’s kind, funny, engaged.
Think of it as informational interviewing: You don’t necessarily want or need the job; you’re there to see what’s out there. Nothing sours your outlook or your outcome by going in with a chip on your shoulder. Think of a face as a canvas that someone draws his or her personality on.
There’s not a doubt in my mind that the people who came that night with their fears ratcheted way up and their expectations way down didn’t have fun, and likely left thinking it was a waste of a night. It’s great to have some girlfriends in tow when you hit up a social scene, but as soon as you turn in the wagons—and your back to everyone else—you’ve effectively sealed yourselves off from any nearby prospects.
Which, by the way, is a very convenient way to keep your scarcity mentality-slash-insecurity stories in tact. Man-bashing and complaining may be a fun way to meet new girlfriends, but I think it’s a cowardly way to spend an evening—not to mention unproductive. DUDES: Standing around staring at a lady is, quite frankly, unnerving.
Or you’re a young man who feels drawn to older women.
In both cases, this may be due to the allure of the possibilities that come with mixing ages, interests and backgrounds.
“That was cool of you,” he remarked after the woman had left.Many women who have reached an above-average level of success in their careers grew up in a time when there weren’t that many women in positions of great leadership or authority.Until the last decade, there have been far less female CEOs or women in high-level managerial positions.And while the crowd was very squarely adult (average age probably about 35), you would have thought it was a high school mixer. They were about as committed to being here as you could be. They’re not too old.” “Well, we don’t see anyone worth talking to, so in a bit, we’re thinking of going to a bar down the street.” A bar down the street?Women sat along one wall, or chatted in small groups, while the men hunkered around, some looking slightly uncomfortable, others leering in wait like lone wolfs. But still, the people in this room had made the Herculean effort to get there—RSVP’d days in advance, got dressed, took the train or a cab across town. And then, it seems, stopped short by their own stories, assumptions, and judgments. ” When I asked what they thought, the ringleader said she’d already done a lap, and in one facial twitch, dismissed the crowd of men outright. They’d made every effort to be here now, where available men were guaranteed.