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The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

If you are too young, please tell all the "elders" you know about it; it may brighten their day. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. 12 years old - My mother doesn't really know everything. 45 years old - Let's go down the hallway and ask Mom what she thinks.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. It is harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick 3. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy. Having a "meaningful relationship" meant getting along with your cousins.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt your health. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall. You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. Be sure your affairs are in order, your will made out right Or on the way to your grave there'll be a heck of a fight. Dishwashers were human, clothes dryers were long ropes, air conditioners involved melting ice and jogging had something to do with the memory. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our relatives.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size. So, if this New Year you feel fairly well, Thank Goodness you're alive, though "Old Age is Hell". Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense.

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Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through the government. Fast food was what you ate during Lent and Outer Space was the back of the local theatre.

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  1. Aside from the obvious safety issues, nobody expects child-free, single women to be happy with dates in their own living room, so why should I settle for that?